so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
