I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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