awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
