I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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