I wanna bring you to show and tell
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
