Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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