It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
