He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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