tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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