): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
