you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
