Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
