A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
