I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
