she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
