She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
