I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
