Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
