It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
