i barfeds in our rink
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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