Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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