no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
