i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
