there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
