Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
