i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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