if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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