I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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