The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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