I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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