Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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