something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
