Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
