phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
