So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
