so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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