Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
