I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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