apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
