How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We left the knife in your bed.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
