I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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