am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
