I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
