I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
