What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
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