Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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