plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
we're making bets on your personal life
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
