Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
