So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
