She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
