My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
