I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think your dad took our porno
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
