Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
