He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
