Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
